Losing Cas
by Destielishipit98
Summary: Destiel fanfic. After devastating Heaven, and freeing Sam from torture Cas is beyond broken. Castiel is the perfect target for a demon working with the vicious leviathans. The clock is ticking and the angel is in danger of losing his life. It is up to Sam and Dean to figure it out before it is too late. Trigger warning: cutting, suicidal thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: That Bitch!

 _Jump. Do it. This is the only way to end your pain, your boyfriend is cheating on you, your parents hate you. You have no one, you have nothing. You are nothing._ The demon whispered this in Sophia's ear as she stands on the bridge overlooking the fast flowing river. Tears stream down her face as she yells out and leaps off. The demon smiles wickedly.

 _Who to go for next?_ She smirks then bursts into laughter. She found this kind of killing very rewarding, but she needed a challenge. Humans were so easy to convince. Maybe she should go after something different. A brilliant idea pops into her head. _Perfect._

Castiel used to love watching the autistic man roam his fields with the kite. There was always is a slight breeze, and the sun would shine on all the beautiful flowers. That was one of his favourite places, aside from being with Dean and Sam.

Dean had been increasingly more frustrated with the insanity of Cas, and his need to stay away from conflict. His patience is running thin from the rambling of his weird angel. Dean is slowly forgiving Cas, but it will take time. It does not help that the Leviathans are running loose.

 _If you hadn't been so prideful then the Leviathans wouldn't be possessing mand killing innocent humans now would they?_

"It's all my fault, so many people are dead, I set those monster free…I'm sorry." Castiel pleads for forgiveness. From God, from the other angels, from the random people walking by who give him very strange looks and pull their children aside.

 _Look they're scared of you, the children are terrified. They all know what you truly are. Broken, tainted, and idiotic. Dean and Sam think the same thing. They blame you for everything._

"I'm so sorry. Dean…Sam Please don't hate me!" He yells out. Shoppers are calling for security. The officer closest to Cas heads over. Castiel covers his head in his hands and sank to the hard floor of West Edmonton mall.

"Sir, is everything alright?" A female officer kneels down to Cas and gently shakes his shoulders."Do you need me to call an ambulance? Sir?" Castiel looked up at the astonishing red head. "Anna?" She muttered with tears in his eyes. The lady shook her head.

"No, my name is Lana, what's your name?" This was very strange, Castiel could not comprehend why she was asking him this, and what did she want from him?"

"My name is Castiel." Cas took his hands off of his face and changes positions so he was sitting on his knees. The lady looked puzzled as his name. She had never met someone with such a peculiar name before.

"Hi Castiel, I was wondering if you wanted help?" She wants to help him, how absurd. After all the suffering he has caused, she was willing to lend him her hand. This made absolutely no sense it should be the other way around.

"Why, why would you want to help me? I set them free, I slaughtered my family, I betrayed my best friend. I'm bad, very, very bad why would you help me?" At this point the security officer is now very concerned, so she reaches for her radio.

"Castiel, I'm going to get you help, just stay calm. Code 13, code 13." she says into her small radio attached to her belt. Castiel starred at her unsure what code 13 could be. He places his hands on his knees and starts to chant in Enochian.

 _Chanting won't save you from the wrath of your sisters and brothers. They are coming for you, and that lady can't do anything to help you. Why should she? You're worse than Lucifer, unworthy of God's love and admiration. You deserve to burn in Hell for all eternity._

This chanting continues on for several more minutes as another security officer runs over. Cas desperately tried to calm himself. These prayers usually helped to stop the panic, but it did not work. 911 had already been called by this time. After about 10 minutes or so, the EMS workers were rushing through the entrance doors to remove this clearly deranged man from the mall. Before they got to him however, Dean and Sam called for Castiel to come to the motel. With a flash Castiel was gone leaving bewildered expressions on everyone in the upper level of the mall.


	2. Chapter 2: Twister Anyone?

Chapter 2: Twister Anyone?

Castiel appeared before Dean, Sam, Meg, and Crowley. Crowley was threatening to slowly rip off Meg's skin and feed her to the Hell hounds, when Dean yelled at them to stop their bickering and focus on the matter at hand. Dean paused for a moment then hesitantly asked Cas how he was doing.

"Today I followed the fish down by the creek, so beautiful as they swim and procreate, then I observed the bees, and then I got these!" Cas pulls out a sack of multi coloured marbles and gestured for Dean to take them. Dean gives Castiel a puzzled look then sighs deeply."They are for you Dean, a token of solidarity." Cas steps forward and insistently pushes his hand towards Dean.

"Thanks, Cas." Dean accepts the marbles with an extremely annoyed expression. He stuffs them in his pockets and then mutters something to his brother.

 _Dean doesn't like the marbles, he is annoyed with you. Probably telling Sam how much he hates you. Dean doesn't value anything that you do, never has never will. No,he doesn't want to play the twister game you took, and no he doesn't care how your day was. Dean was just asking out of politeness. Dean only called you down here to gather information, he would rather you spend your time elsewhere. It has to do with the Leviathans, which you brought into the world. That is one mistake you can never fix._

Cas could feel a lump in his throat. Ashamed and disheartened he looked away from the group and hung his head.

"Cas we were wondering if you could help us with something." Dean looking away from his brother noticing Castiel was no longer facing forward. The hunter realized that the angel was not going to be of much help. He wished Cas would just snap out of his insanity already.

"I'm pretty sure wings over there needs those marbles more then you, Dean." Crowley smirks and leans against the cabin wall. Dean gave the king of Hell a, "Go fuck yourself." look . He explains to Cas that there have been a large number of suicides over the past couple of weeks, and a very powerful demon is to blame. Crowley had gained news from unspecified sources that the, Leviathans were going to recruit the whore and use her to their advantage.

"I don't want to fight her, no more fighting." Cas couldn't bear the thought of anymore bloodshed. All the strength collected over the centuries has been torn away. The broken angel would not join the battle, for he would rather die now then be neck and neck with the fowl creatures on Earth. Too many gruesome wars and cruelty. He shutters and gives Dean puppy dog eyes.

"Ugh…Cas you don't have to fight, just be careful, and tell us what you know."

"I don't know anything." Cas replied, feeling bad that he was not able to provide assistance to the Winchesters. Dean wasn't all that surprised. Castiel was fluttering about chasing unhappy dogs and bees for the past week, of course he did not know anything.

"Your boyfriend doesn't know jack shit, what a surprise!" Crowley said sarcastically to Dean. Sam gave Crowley an angry look. Dean was fed up with everyone calling Cas his lover. He pulled out a beer and tried not to think of the massive problems plaguing his mind. Dean took a swig and let out a deep breath. Deep down he still wants to be more than a friend to Cas, but refuses to admit it.

Crowley was about to take his leave, since he was bored with the silly humans and useless angel, when he looked over at Meg, who was terrified."When this is all over love, you will be coming back home with me, I got a special treat for you." With that he disappeared.

"Great, now that son of a bitch is trailing my ass." Meg flipped Sam and Dean off and pouted."Go play a game with your boyfriend, he looks upset." Meg pointed at Cas. Dean scowls and flips her off. Meg smirks then vanishes, leaving the three men alone.

 _Dean really hates it when they say you're his boyfriend. Everyone is disgusted by you. Nobody in their right mind would ever be with you. Dean could never be with you in a passionate way. No matter how much you yearn for it. You are a pile of trash, everyone knows it. Nobody has ever loved you and never will._

"Dean would never be my boyfriend." Cas mutters looking out the kitchen window.

"What was that Cas?" Dean asked luckily not hearing.

"Nothing, want to play twister? We should all play twister." Within moment Cas was on the ground setting up the game. Sam let out a chuckle as he watched Cas move his body in strange positions. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3: Unreachable Love

Chapter 3: Unreachable Love

"So tell me Mrs. Lenton did you notice any sulfur or strange occurrences before your daughter's death?" Dean, going by the name detective Lewis leans forward. She is extremely upset by this question.

"What the hell does that have to do with her death? What did a cult kill her or something?" Her fingers trembled. She desperately hoped it was murder. That way she would feel a little less guilty. Her child had been acting oddly. More distant, emotional, and quiet but she thought it was just a phase. Mrs. Lenton loathes the idea that her precious baby leaped off a bridge and drowned, the thought was too much to bear.

"We just want to be thorough in our investigation, ma'am." Sam tried to sound comforting.

"No, I don't think there was. If it wasn't suicide, if she was murdered, you will catch those bastards right? Tears stared streaming down her face, she reaches for a tissue.

"Yes we will, if it was." Dean and Sam stood up to leave.

"Our condolences." Sam gently squeezed the poor woman's shoulder then they headed out to the impala. Sam wishes that Dean could be a little more sensitive with these situations.

"I don't do we have a case?" Dean is unsure, it could be just a regular suicide or it could be the demon. Dean is hoping that they do indeed have a case. That bitch needs to ganked pronto. To go after teens and children, that is just sick. At times like this Dean thinks about Ben. He misses him, but oddly he doesn't miss Lisa. Dean has never admitted it, but he had all these mixed emotions about a particular person in his life. Things would never work out between them at least that is what Dean tells himself. He could never tell his friend how he felt, or his brother for that matter. Heaven probably would not approve, not that he cared what those flying ass monkeys though anyways. If it weren't for that prick Raphael Cas wouldn't be like this. Every day Dean is forgiving Castiel more and more. Their bond is profound and can never be broken.

"Dean? Dean? jerk!" Sam yells startling Dean and causing him to swerve.

"The hell you bitch!" Dean gives his brother an unamused facial expression. Dean does not like it when his thoughts are interrupted.

"You were totally ignoring me, what's up with you lately?" Sam asking is concern and slight annoyance. Something was bugging his older brother, just wasn't sure what.

"Nothing, everything's fine, now what were you saying?

"Well, are we going to check the body to make sure it wasn't a demon, or whatever other monster?

"No shit Sherlock that's where I'm driving."

"Geez don't go all pmsing on me now." Sam chuckle, which earns him a punch in the arm.

"Ow!" Sam exclaims. Dean smirks and turns to look back at the road. Dean enjoys his long car rides with his brother, well half of the time. He kind of wishes Castiel was riding with them.

 _You know what? Dean and Sam are better off without you. You won't fight, you have no information to give them. You are a waste of space. Why did God even bother bringing you back? God will never be proud of you, never. You betrayed Heaven, you tried to become the new lord and that ended in misery and death. ,you have no information to give them. You are a waste of space. Why did God even bother bringing you back? God will never be proud of you, never. You betrayed Heaven, you tried to become the new lord and that ended in misery and death. You're not lucky. Nobody should be around you._

 _"_ I'm so weak, everyone is better off without me, I'm so useless." Cas mutters to himself as he extracts his angel blade and holds it to his wrist and makes cut after cut. Every one burns and makes him yelp in pain. The pain that he deserves, the pain he has been waiting for. Tears poor down his face.

 _What a waste. If only someone could save him, haha that's not going to happen. By the time Dean and Sammy find out this little angel is my target, it will be far too late._ The demon laughs, this is her best plan yet. She will be rewarded by Dick, a whole lot better than being killed. _Fuck those leviathans they think they are so much better, what assholes._

An hour later

"We have to find this demon and fast." Sam turns to his brother.

"There are a lot of teens it can target." Dean, after all the demons he has encountered, he despises this one the most. To push children to recall every mistake they have ever made, make them feel so worthless. It is disgusting and unacceptable. When Dean finds this foul creature he will torture and then burns her skin to ashes. She will not get away, and will not take another victim.

The brother's head back to the cabin hoping they can find an incantation to summon her. They don't suspect that she is working on their best friend. They may be too late.


	4. Chapter 4: Meeting The Bitch

"Beautiful absolutely beautiful, come here papillionidae. Such a magnificent butterfly type, it glides so gracefully through the sky. Insects are by far superior then all of us. They give, but never take. All with a purpose, rejuvenating, pollinating, and flying."Cas sits back and values the life on Earth. He enjoys the activities of insects, to that of the angels.  
 _These insects are more useful than you. You are an Angel of The_ _Lord_ _, yet you cannot fight. You are a failure, a bloody fool. The Winchester boys will dump you sooner or later. Dean sure as Hell doesn't love you, let alone forgive you. Just die already._  
Cas puts his head in his hands."I want to be a butterfly, I want to be useful." Tears start forming in his eyes.

 _But you aren't, you never were. The other angels knew from the very start that you would betray them. They tried to trust you, because of you, they are suffering. You vaporized thousand of your own kind, how can you even live with yourself?_  
"All my fault, I shouldn't be here. I should die. I should have died a long time ago." He mutters to himself thinking no one is listening.  
"Hey mommy, why is that man crying?" A little girl with Golden blonde ringlets calls out to her mother who rushes over. The little one tugs on her mother's sleeve."Mommy look he's sad." The mother looks over at her daughter then at the man in the trench coat sitting on the grass crying into his hands. She crouches down and taps Castiel on the shoulder.  
"Hey sir, are you alright?" Castiel looks up.  
"Who are you?" The lady offers him a handkerchief.

"My name is Sarah, are you alright? Do you need me to help you?"  
"I don't deserve your help."He stands up, not taking the handkerchief." I betrayed my family, my friends, God. Asking for your assistance would be wrong, and shameful."  
"I don't know what you're going through, but whatever you are thinking, please don't do it. It may seem dark now, no hope, nowhere to turn, but I'm sure there are people you can depend on. There must be someone you can talk to, go to them. Whatever you do, don't give into the little voice in your head that's telling you to give up."  
Tears still streaming down his face he nods and walks away. "Dean, Sam I can visit them. Maybe I can still be a part of their lives."  
 _That is the last thing they want._

Cas sighs, he is going to try to make things right with Dean, even if it means conflict. He shutters then flutters to Bobby's cabin.

Dean loads up his gun with rock salt. He looks over to his brother to ask him a question, when he feels someone breathing down his neck. He immediately jumps.  
"Dammit Cas! You have to stop doing that!" Dean puts his gun down on the counter.  
"Sorry Dean." He steps back giving him room.  
 _They don't want you here, leave!_  
"I'll leave, you guys are busy." He is about to exit when Dean grips his arm tightly.  
"Where are you going? You obviously came for a reason, what going on?"  
"I was just checking up, I wanted to see if I could be of any use." Dean loosens his grip.  
"You're not much help, being how you are now." Dean doesn't mean to say this in a rude manor. He knows Castiel does not want to fight he does not want to push him to do so. Sam gives him a," Dude that was totally disrespectful," look.  
 _They don't need you, they never did. Take out your angel blade and slice your flesh, you are of no use to Earth or to Heaven._

"I'm of no use, I'll be leaving then."  
"Cas! You can help, um set up a devil's strap with us. We need to call Crowley again." Sam exclaims, rushing in front of the sad looking angel.  
"Okay." Castiel gets to work immediately. Sam shoves his brother.  
"What was that for?"  
"Being a dick, you gotta be nicer to Cas!"  
"I've been nothing but patient and kind to him, he's completely insane what am I suppose to say?" Dena folds his arms frustrated.  
"If he wants to help give him something to do, tell him he's doing a good job. Yah he fucked up bad, but he switched places with me, he had to endure the crap I did so be more gentle with him."  
"I'm trying here! Jesus Sammy he's an angel he shouldn't be broken like this."  
"Well he is, so do something about it."  
"Oh for fuck sakes. Cas buddy good job with the trap, thanks for helping out." Dean looks back at his brother," There happy?"  
Castiel gives no indication he heard, because he didn't. He was so focused on doing this right, he could not hear anything around him. Dean, noticing that Cas isn't listening, taps him on the shoulder. Sam gives his a thumps up. Cas looks up."Yes Dean?"  
"You're doing a good job buddy, thanks for helping us out."  
 _He doesn't mean that. Dean is patronizing you he is obviously being coaxed to say that. It isn't like him to give compliment. Not to you anyways._  
"You don't really mean that." Castiel looks back down at the ground, finishing the trap.  
"Cas-,"  
"Did you know that a cat's tail contains nearly ten percent of all the bones in its body?"Dean shakes his head.  
"Let's call Crowley." The brothers call forth the king of hell."  
"Well what a pleasure to see you boys. And your faulty angel."  
" You got the name of the bitch or what?"  
"You sure are polite as ever Dean, he so got it, Serephian, call her and she'll appear, won't be pleased though."The brothers perform the ritual, using her name they conjure the demon.  
 _Just as planned. This way they can watch me push the angel to suicide. Dean will feel so helpless as he watches his friend die by the hands of a demon. Just like his father, Elle, Joe, and everyone else he loves. Dick will be pleased with me and I'll get rewarded.  
_ For a moment nothing happens then the Winchesters and Crowley see a woman with long legs curled around Castiel's lower body. She runs her pale fingers along his torso.  
 _Kill yourself Castiel._ She whispers in his ear and gives Dean a devilish grin.  
"Son of a bitch!" Dean yells.


	5. Chapter 5: Just an illusion

Hey, readers sorry I haven't updated in a real long time. Thinks have been hectic, promise I'll have the last chapter done in the next couple of days. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Dean reached for the demon's knife, but was met with a strong force, throwing him backwards. The back of his head smashes against the wall,and he falls unconscious.

"Dean!" Sam screamed, his eyes went to Deans unconscious body then his eyes trailed to the flask of holy water.

"Don't even bother petty boy." The demon spoke with a smirk. She trailed her long find up Castiel's right side. The flask of holy water flew across the room and hit one of the book shoves. Sam levitates into the air, and is pinned into the wall. Knocking the breath out of him.

Crowley stood there, both amused and full of rage,"Hey,lanky bitch. These boys and loony angel are belong to go play with other toys, understand?" Crowley stepped forward confidently.

The demon smiles,"Oh is that so? I'm afraid you didn't get the memo, they belong to the leviathans, and you can't play with us." Before Crowley can sarcastically reply, he suddenly vanished." Ah much better, now where were we?" She cracks smile and continues to whisper lies in Castiel's ears.

Dean awakens to see his brother pinned to the wall, he goes to reach for his brother, out of the corner of his eye he notices the bitch transforms into him. Deans eyes widen. The hell is she doing. He wondering trying to conceive a plan of action.

Sam's looks both concerned and angered."The fuck are you playing at?" He truffles to get the words out. The demon pays no mind.

Castiel, who was blind to everything that has occurred, is suddenly aware of the fake Dean in front of him."Dean... I-I...forgive me." Tears starts forming in the angel's hands shaking he reached for the demon, who immediately drew back it's arms.

"Don't touch me! Forgive you how the hell do you expect me to do that? You betrayed my brother and I! You deserve no forgiveness!" The demon snarls and tenses up.

"Don't listen to her, it's not me!" Dean shouts, leaping up. He goes to tackle the bitch, but finding himself to in a white room.

"You bi-" Dean moves forward, then realizes he is no longer in Bobby's cabin."Wait where am I?" Dean scans the room. There is a medium sized desk by the back wall, the walls are white, not a speck of dust, or item cluttered, and of course the door is locked.

"Heaven."

"Heaven? Who the hell are you? Where's Cas!" Dean floods the angel with questions.

"I'm an angel, Naomi."

"Well Naomi mind zapping me back to the cabin to save my family?" Dean growls and steps forward.

"No need to get hostile,now. If your going to kill that demon, you will need a better strategy then just tackling her." Naomi smirks and stands up from the desk chair. "Burn these." Before her is a old sack.

Back at Bobby's Cabin.

The demon forcefully grabbed Castiel's wrists." You think this is enough! You have ruined my life, and slaughtered your own family, cutting yourself your angel blade is not enough."

"Cas don't lis-" Sam is immediately cut off, Sam immediately begins to choke, like an invisible hand has wrapped it's self around his neck. What Castiel sees is Sam standing in the doorway.

"Finally telling that son of a bitch off hey?" The fake Sam smirks, and steps forward.

"Letting him know he's not wanted, or needed here. It would be better if he ended his pathetic life."

"Couldn't agree more brother." Castiel begins to sob. He wrapped his arms around himself, he wants to run but he can't. He thought the Winchesters were upset with him, but not to this extent.

"Please, I-I'm sorry-" he met with a right hook to the face by demon."

"Stop apologizing it means nothing! Do us a favour and stab yourself already!" The fake Sam jumps in and procedures to violently kick Castiel, the real Sam struggles against the wall, trying desperately to move and speak. The illusion step back, allowing Castiel to sit up crying.

"Do it."

Castiel slowly opens his trench coat

"Do it."

The devastated angel stands up and removes his angel blade.

"Do it!"

Before Castiel can lift the blade Dean appears before him, and chucks the bag of bones on the floor.

"Hey, Bitch don't mess with my angel!" The demon turns around to see the lighter flicker in Dean right hand. Dean expected the demon to show fear, or try to stop him, but instead she smiled.

"Either way he's dead."

Dean flicks the cap of lighter

"Not on my watch."

And throws the lighter, the ashes go up in flames and the demon screams in agony, her skin burns until she is left as nothing more than ash.

With the illusions gone, Cas is left perplexed, watching as the real Sam falls to the floor at the other end of the room. Dean immediately rushes over, helping him to his feet.

"I'm fine, go to Cas." Sam regains his compute as Dean heads over to his buddy.

"Sam? Why were you on the floor? You were just...

Dean moves closer, Cas flinches and steps back.

"I'm doing it! Please don't hit me again.

"Buddy, I didn't hit you. It was the demon she tricked you. It was all an illusion Cas. Dean steps forward again,"Why do you have your angel blade out, Cas?"

"You though Dean and I wanted you dead. But we don't Cas. The demon was messing with your head, let's all just down, give Dean the blade. Castiel glances at the blade in his right, he turned it over. The way it shined it was so inviting. Humans could not see the light it produced, it really was beautiful, and carved with sacred words.

"Cas?" Dean warned stepping closer, about to grab the blade.

"I'm sorry." Castiel withdrew the blade, so Dena could not grab it, then grabbed the handle with his other hand.

"Cas, don't do it! What the demon said to you wants real! We are not better off without you, we forgave you. Sam, although not having as deep of a connection with Cas as Dean does, felt tears forming in his eyes, he don't want to lose another person he piped in.

"Cas, you're family to us. Yes, you broke Sam's wall, yes he let loose the leviathan, but did it because we weren't helping you. You kept telling us Heaven was in trouble, that angel was going to ruin everything and you couldn't defeat him alone. We disregarded you, we dismissed you so you went to drastic measures. We can fix this together, we will not abandon you like we did before, we should be apologizing to you. We are sorry, Cas. Give me the blade.

"I can't do that,Dean. I killed people, angels, betrayed you. I'm a pathetic excuse for an angel. I can't live with myself."Tears poured down Castiel's distraught face. Castiel lifted the blade.

"Cas!"


	6. Chapter 6: Crowley Saves The Day

The blade trembled in Castiel's hands. Dean has never looked more terrified. Dean has looked scared, mortified, afraid whenever Sam was hurt, but he had never had this look of absolute terror before.

"Cas, please…." Cautiously he took another step forward. His right hand trembling, reaching for Castiel." You feel evil, you feel like you don't deserve to be forgiven, you're afraid that if you fight, you'll hurt more people." Castiel could only nod in response. "You-"

"Hello boys." Crowley interrupted Dean's speech. He was standing only a few feet away from Cas." That bi-" he suddenly stopped when he saw what Castiel was doing." What? Okay what am I missing here?" He confused look crossed his face.

"I don't deserve to live." Castiel's voice trembled not meeting Crowley's eyes.

" Wait, hold on he went from looney, I want to be with the bees and shit, to suicidal. What the hell did she- well I guess that is her specialty.

"Her specialty?!" Sam finally speaks up.

"Yah, she convinced people to kill themselves then takes their souls… But she's dead," Crowley looked back and forth between the brothers to confirm." She's dead so why is he still…"

"I'm evil, I hurt people, I cause pain. I deserve to die." He lifted the blade even higher causing Dean to tense up. If Castiel doesn't drop the knife within the next few seconds Dean is going to charge at him. Crowley, has the same thought.

"First of all that comment offended me greatly, I certainly don't deserve to die, and secondly I'm the one who's going to kill you not yourself." With a flick of the wrist the blade went soaring across the room. Castiel panicked and lunged toward the blade, before he could reach it however Dean and Sam ran towards him. Dean wrapped his arms around the poor angel and pulled him to the ground.

"Let me go! Let me die! Let me die!" Cas screamed over and over again. Sam had to help Dean hold Castiel down, and she struggled against their force.

"Well boys, as you know I love drama, but this is a little bit too much for me." Crowley smirked, walking over to the blade." Don't worry I'll return this when I'm done with it."

"Crowley!" Sam stood up, striding toward him.

"Bye, bye boys." Then Crowley was gone, and the Winchesters were left with a sobbing Castiel.

His screams wouldn't stop, the brothers had never heard a more devastating sound."Shh, calm down Cas, it's okay, it's okay." Dean whispered trying to calm his friend, he looked to Sam." We gotta shut him up." Castiel continued to struggle under Dean's wait, he thrashed and kicked." You want me dead! You don't need me I'm worthless to you?"

Sam had no idea how to knock out an angel, they aren't like humans, they don't sleep, so what could the possible used. Sam surveyed the room with some object to hit Castiel over the head with. It might work. Before he could finished is thought, Cas broke free of Dean grip and bolted for the door. If he was thinking rationally he could have just zapped out of there, but he didn't.

"Sammy!" Dean yelled, hoping his brother would catch Cas, knock him out. Sam grabbed the nearest object, a stainless steel frying pan and chased Cas out the door.

"Sammy, go dammit." Dean ran after them. He heard a large clunk before he made it to the door. Dean peered outside to see Cas lying on the forums unconscious while Sam wielded a frying pan in his dominant hand.

"Seriously Sammy? A frying pan?"

"It worked…" He shrugged his shoulders, then dropped the frying pan and tried to pick Cas up. Dean rushed over, and together they were able to get the knocked out angel inside, then they dragged him downstairs to the safe room, where they tied his wrists and feet to the bed.

" When he wakes up, we are going to have a serious talk." Sam sat down next to Castiel and sighed. Dean wasn't much for talking, but if it meant saving Cas we would do anything. Dean sat next to Sam

"I just wish he would have told us." Dean put his head in his hands, he looked and sounded exhausted.

"Well he did suffer a mental breakdown."

"Yah, but still…"

Both brothers were silent for awhile until Sam spoke up." Where did you go?"

"Hmm."

"When you disappeared and had that sack where did you go?"

"I-" Dean looked up confused. "The sack was filled with the bones of the demon. I don't know where I got it though."

"Great, well we'll focus on that later, we have to get Castiel back on his feet first."

Dean nodded his head in response, Sam put his arm around Dean's shoulder, and squeezed it gently.

Dean let his brother comfort him for a moment then stood up and went closer to Cas, gesturing for Sam to move over. Dean sat next to Castiel, and lifted up his friend's sleeves. Dean noticed the cuts when he tied his wrists to the bed. Gently he traced his finger along the scars, careful not to wake Castiel up.

"Must have down these with the angel blade." Sam leaned over, staring at the cuts.

"We'll help him through this." Is all Sam could say. He wants to say more, but he doesn't know how to phrase it.

"I sure hope so Sammy." Dean replies, as he gently pulls Castiel's sleeves down. Dean moves Cas's hair out of his eyes, and dishes heavily. They wait patiently for Castiel to wake up.


	7. Chapter 7: Day By Day

The autistic man was flying his kite once again, Castiel smiled as the he saw the kite soar through the bright sky.

"Cas." Castiel turned when he heard his name. Standing before him was Dean Winchester. Dean snicker and slowly strides forward.

"Dean? You can't be here.

"I'm wherever you want me."

"That doesn't make sense, Dean."

"I'm here right now, for you. Why can't you accept that? Why is it so hard to trust in me?"

"I do-"

"No, Castiel you don't. How could you, wine you don't even trust yourself." Dean was now standing directly in from of Cas, he reached over and gave him a hug. Cas hadn't been hugged by Dean, or anyone for that matter. This touch was so foreign and unexpected, that he started to cry.

"It's okay, shh." Dean gently strokes Cas's hair. Castiel crying, but he was enjoying the comfort. As he was being comforted however, he realized that this scenario made absolutely no sense. Castiel pulled away.

"You're aren't really here."

"Cas, i'm always here."

"I'm dreaming, Angels don't sleep, but I must be."

"So what? I'm here, I'm comforting you. Why does it matter?"

"You- the real Dean wouldn't do this."

"If you never give him the opportunity he never will. If you don't tell him you're not well, then he won't comfort you."

" I don't deserve comfort." Castiel turned away from dream Dean and put his hands in his pockets.

"If you tell yourself that, then it becomes true. Dean doesn't think that, Sam doesn't believe that, but it doesn't matter, because it's true for you." Castiel didn't answer.

"You have to make a choice."

"What do I have to decide?" Castiel asked without turning around."

"A concept that doesn't come easily to angels...forgiveness." Giving it, and accepting it. You have to let go." With that dream Dean vanished and Cas was looking up at a dummy lit room. He squinted then tried to sit up, but found that he was bound.

"You were freaking out so we had to tie you down." Dean took a flip of his beer than, placed it down and say down at the edge of the bed."Can I untie them, or are you going to run off?"

"No… I'm not going to run."

"Good." Dean sat up and untied Cas's wrists. Castiel sat up slowly, he looked aprons nervously for a moment, then wrapped his arms around his body. It would be unlikely, that Dean didn't see the cuts, Castiel was hoping, Dean wouldn't ask him to explain." That demon really did a number on you. Made you believe we hated you. But, after she was gone you still tried to-" Dean sighed, his head fell and he cupped his face. You could have come to me, we- we're family Cas. We don't hate you, we were angry, but what's done is done. We all have to move on. You can't stop fighting, I won't let you."

"Dean…"

"No, Cas we are in this together. That's what family does we stick together."

"Okay."

"Okay?" Dean turned his head sideways with an annoyed look on his face." Come on man you gotta give me more than that."

"Dean's right." Sam entered the room and leaned against the doorway. He'd been standing there for a while, Castiel was so focused on Dean he didn't even notice.

"We are not leaving until you talk to us." Dean reached over and gently placed him hand on Cas's leg. "Anyway now would be great." Castiel looked away from both of them and stared at the wall for a moment.

"Did you know that for every human there is 1.6 million ants?"

"Cas." Dean looked annoyed again.

"Cas, you have to open up to us." Sam walked over and knelt down next to the bed. Castiel shifted, then finally looked at the brothers.

"I failed Heaven, I failed you, and I failed God. I'm a pathetic excuse for an angel. I've was created to be a fighter, but now I'm terrified, I don't want conflict…" Castiel looked away feeling ashamed.

"You made a mistake-"

"I killed thousands of angels, I devastated Heaven, and I hurt civilians as well. I betrayed both of you, I-I don't want to live anymore." Castiel choked on his last word, he could feel tears forming in his eyes and put his head down. Tears slowly fell from his face. Angels don't cry, he is weak.

"Cas, look at me." Dean demands, scorching closer towards his friend."Cas, come on look at me." Castiel lifted his head. Dean reached over and wiped the tears from Cas's cheek. Castiel was surprised by the sudden affection.

"We've killed people too, we've made major mistakes that have gotten people killed, but we don't give up, because more innocent people need our help, and we need each other, we love each other. Cas, you can't stop fighting." Sam leaned forward and placed his hand on Castiel's shoulder, and squeezed it gently.

"You're ashamed of what you've done, you want that feeling to go away, the only way to do that is to kick ass, and save more people, even though you're scared, you have to keep going. We can help you, you don't have do this alone."

"But-"

"No but's Cas, you're not leaving us, we're not leaving you, got it?" Castiel darted silent for a long time. After what seemed like ages, Castiel nodded he was too exhausted to speak. Sam gave Cas a gentle pat on the back then stood up.

"I'm going to grab some dinner, grab some more beer. I'll be back in a bit. Cas, we should talk more after dinner, tomorrow we could do something together…" Dean looked over at his brother giving him the,"really?" look."yah okay," Sam stammered out of the room. Dean smirked then focused his attention back to Castiel.

"We need to do something about those cuts, that can't happen anymore. I know you're hurting, but that's not the answer,okay?" Castiel didn't answer. He didn't want to talk about it, Dena let it go. He'll discuss it more later, Cas had spoken a lot today. Dena decided to give him a break.

"I dreamed about you." Castiel stated awkwardly. He fiddled with his hands.

"Did you now? Not the first time I've heard that, it's usually a prostitute who tells me that however."

"That's blasphemous."

"Oh I know. So what was your dream about?" Castiel shifted so his back was against the wall. Dean sat up and did the same.

"I dreamed we were in Heaven, and you were talking to me."

"Hmm, what about?"

"That the real Dean and Sam didn't hate me, and I have to learn to forgive myself and others."

"Sounds like a quality most bagels don't possess." That comment made Castiel laugh.

"The dream Dean said something similar."

"Glad you get my personality right in your dreams-"

"You hugged me."

"Well that sure was nice of dream me." Dean smiles, scorching closer to Cas, their shoulders were almost touching.

"It was nice…" Cas looked down embarrassed he wasn't sure how to ask for a hug, he's never done did it before. As if Dean read his mind, Dean squeezed, Castiel's arm, then put his hand across Cas's back then pulled him closer. Castiel head rested on Dean's shoulder. Castiel started crying again.

"It's okay Cas, we'll take it day by day, day by day." Castiel prayed that that was true. He prayed things would get better, and that he would one day be able to forgive himself, so he could help others. It's hard to save others, when you can't even save yourself.

"Oh and by the way, Crowley stole or angel blade." Castiel's voice bucked and he laughed.

"We'll have to go after him." At that a huge smile plastered across Dean's face.

"Yes, yes we will." They both started laughing. They smiles, and for that moment they were happy.


	8. Thanks

Thank you all for reading! I hope you liked the conclusion. I'm going to go back and review/edit all these chapters, if there's anything you want me to add, or take out let me know! Thanks!? ﾟﾘﾄ


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